Jeremy came over on Sunday, before I came home. He was really sweet and cleaned some and swept.
When I came home he used a specific word to describe what I must be... for my house to look the way it does.
I'm a person that does not like that word. At all. Overwhelmed? Me? I can handle anything. That's what I tell myself anyway.
I took a look around me. There were empty cereal boxes, cat fur on the sofa, some unwashed dishes, my laundry basket had made it down only one floor. There's dust on everything. My mail sits in piles on my bar.
Yeah. Okay. He's got a point. I'm... ugh.. overwhelmed. I hate that word.
Do you want to hear my to do list?
1. New Job - I'm scrambling to learn everything at my new position and job. I'm not developing or working on any systems that are even similar to what I was doing before.
2. Contracted work for UE and ECL - I'm spending the evening doing photo work, social media work, and wordpress development for the decorator I couldn't afford. Why did I pick the most awesome indian decorator in Atlanta? Jesus I cannot handle poor quality work. I always want to do it elegantly and right. So yes, that is a couple extra hours daily.
3. Wedding Planning - I have to do so much stuff for this wedding that drains me. I hate wedding planning. I hate it. There's nothing as stupid as working so hard for something to be awesome that you personally could give two shits about. It's not only a tim drain, it's an emotional drain. I used to talk to my mom daily. Now I do my best to avoid talking to her. The values difference between her and I around wedding ideals is so different she and I literally cannot be on the same page. I can only try to keep the conversation cordial. We are not good at being honest with each other. Our history has made it so I don't care for her feelings anymore since she's never taken the time to respect mine. It's a bad combo.
4. Life. FUCKING LIFE. I have my own business to do in the meantime! I have several clients I have to keep scheduling meetings outside the time I spend with the other three things. I have someone else's wedding to shoot. I'm working with renters and trying to work on how I'm going to execute this wedding. I have to finish processing and handling all the photos before I head into the beef of my own wedding.
I don't have any time for myself anymore. I stopped going to boot camp... which is the worst thing. I have no energy sometimes.. but my meetings, obligations and all that crap keep falling into that 6-7pm timeslot.
Today I nearly cried when Jeremy left for his parents house. I wanted him to stay so bad even though I have like six hours of work still left to do. I was appalled at myself. Jesus. I'm getting emotionally unstable if I can't say goodbye to my boyfriend and get to work.
You know what was awesome though? My bachelorette party this weekend. I have the most amazing friends. Sana organized an entire Bachelorette weekend. I ate delicious, stupid expensive things. I partied hard..
Friday night we went to dinner at Twist, and then SkyLounge.. a bar on top of a tall hotel with an excellent view. Then I was so drunk I agreed to go to a gay bar... but not before I picked up five random girls from the hotel to come with us.
The gay bar.
Damn. That is a different experience. All the dudes are so much fun. They dance with you just for fun. They like you.. but they're not going to grab your ass. That's a nice change. I danced so hard, even on stage. The music at that place was fucking amazing.
... but then they start grabbing each other's asses. And taking off their shirts.
It doesn't matter that they're all stunningly hot. It's still super awk for me.
Then it was time to go.
It was the first time pretty much all of us had ever gone to a gay bar. I had a great time dancing.. but that place gets pretty raunchy after 2am..and after the liquor wore off a bit I saw how awk it really was. Also I ran into one of my coworkers there. He was also drunk. Now I don't know if he is gay or not. He was there with what looked like a dude but this morning at work he said he was just there with his friend who was a girl.
We.. well, I.. sobered up at IHOP and headed back to the hotel. Saturday I spent at a Spa. They got me the hottest masseuse. They didn't tell me they'd asked for such a sexy guy. I felt weird. I wasn't attracted to him or anything but there's something weird about getting a full body massage from someone that looks like a young hercules.
God he was so good looking. I got a massage from a statue of Apollo.
The funniest comment from that event was the 'high contrast nipples' observation.Being asian means .. well, that you've got high contrast nipples. Halfway through the swedish massage, you have to turn over and there's only a thin white sheet covering you. Hahahah. omg.
But that massage was amazing. I also got a mani pedi from a half black half puerto rican guy. He was really interesting to talk to. I have to buy reflexology socks. My feet felt amazing after he worked on them.
Later we went to Ruth's Chris steakhouse.Where I ordered the cowboy steak. It was like 20 oz... well I ate that whole damn thing mofos! I blame the fact that it was happy hour at the hotel and I had like 5 drinks and was kidna drunk by the time we got to Ruth's Chris anyway. Damn.. that steak. Was amazing. $50 of amazing. But amazing.
Then we went to dance at both Opera, where Eve worked some of her magic, got us VIP, no cover, and free champagne. We tried dancing there but the DJ suckedddd so we went down the street to CosmoLava. NOw that's a bumpin' place. I found a dance spot near the DJ and watching him spin. He did such a badass job and I had a crapton of fun.
We went home at 3am for an early night. We still needed to recover from the previous night haha. The next day we went to Lenox Grill for their awesome brunch and hung around Lenox mall.
Pretty much the funnest weekend this year. Baltimore comes in at a close second. Man we danced like hecks there too. I loved hitting up all the pubs and drinking in Baltimore. My cousins are way cooler than I ever thought. I used ot be scared that they'd discover what free spirit I really am and I would get in trouble. But dude.. they're so much more free than me! I felt so comfortable. I can't wait to party with them again. I feel bad that we got Rajeev so trashed. He went from I'm okay..just fine.. feeling great.. to BLEARRGHVOMITS in like 5 minutes.
He was alright the next day. :P
Shit I have so much to do but I needed to write this down before it was just another fading memory. I cannot wait to get moving with my life post-wedding. I have so many plans.
Also I am so ready for sexytimes. I feel that's the only thing I've really been all that good about in my life. But it's time to grow up in that sense too.
We're having a sexy lingerie party in a couple weeks. Jeremy will be happy the entire cruise. ;)
Alright.. back to work. It's 10:30.. the night is young.
I might be too strung out on compliments
Overdosed on confidence
Started not to give a fuck and stop fearing the consequence
Drinking every night because we drink to my accomplishments
Faded way too long I'm floating in and out on consciousness
And they say that I'm back
I'd agree with that
I just take my time with all this shit I still believe in that
I had someone tell me I fell off
Ooh I needed that
And they wanna see me pick back up Right well where'd I leave it at?
I know I exaggerated things now I got it like that
And there's a huge difference between turning on some music, finding some lyrics, and pretending you're on some amazing life journey, convincing yourself that you just haven't gotten to the interesting parts yet, and actually getting out there and living your life.
From what I can tell, the people who LIVE and the lyric posters are almost mutually exclusive.
In my own life, it's been either one or the other.
It's also been a good while since I've done something fun and stupid.
Also Tumblr is really bad for your creativity. 99% of it is just blogs of other people's content almost never attributed correctly. Reblogging everything that inspires me.. well that seems silly now that I really think about it. Pinterest though, that's where it's at. TOTALLY DIFFERENT AMIRITE?
I'm also out of food.
I think all this talk about getting out there and living is probably just me trying to muster enough motivation to drag myself to walmart which is five minute away.
Dinner was walnuts and fruit tea. That's actually pretty much all the edible food in the house.
But you know I'm already chilling in my bra and shorts and getting dressed and going to walmart at 11pm is going just get me stabbed so this means I have to find lyrics right?
Well I actually tried to find lyrics and there only lyrics about being hungry for money or women.
I probably sound like I'm high now.
As if I've ever been edgy enough to smoke weed. Please. The halo is way too tight on this bitch.
I have back and forth feelings about getting married. As in.. I so badly want to get married to Jeremy. However the idea of leaving behind my unbridled youth is a frighteningly exhilarating thought.
It's the same kind of apprehension I felt when I was about to start High School, College, and my Job. It’s knowing there’s an incoming change in the wind, a new kind of surge in the waves and wondering if your sails are strong enough, your skills ready, and your soul fills and empties at the same time with emotion.
It kinda hit me hard when Ruvini, Rajeev’s fiancée sent me a card with Mr & Mrs. Jeremy Stone on it.
I was like.. zomg.
It’s actually a pretty great feeling.
And yet I want to run away sometimes. But I only ever run into Jeremy’s arms.
My emotions about the identity of my self are strong. I understand the strength of a name. The legacy of being a Moses. I am not fully willing to give that up yet. I remind myself that who I am isn’t five letters on paper. It’s the blood that flows within me, my spirit that remains unbroken, and the strength of my forefathers and foremothers.
No name change can take that away… but a name change can make me feel a sense of loss… and gain. It’s all so confusing.
I’ve been using my new 50 – 250mm lens outside. Once I got my hands on that beautiful 70-200mm f2.8L lens the itch too go telephoto again too much.I barely lasted two weeks before hit the buy button on Amazon and got my lens two days later. It’s a nice sharp copy of the lens and while it certainly has focusing flaws, I’m probably being unfair comparing a $200 lens to a $2500 dollar one.
The bokeh is creamy. I do love it and don’t mind the majority of the flaws at all! Love getting back into flower photography.
I also had a telephone conversation with my mother. She wasn’t mean to me. That was awesome.
You know, I want so badly to be friends with my mother. This is why it upsets me so much when she speaks to me like an inferior, stupid child. Maybe one day. Maybe never. But the truth is, I need her respect. And if I need to get it by limiting the opportunities to disrespect me, that’s a start. It’s been two weeks since we’ve had any conversation of substance. So far it’s been great.
I’m always hoping it will get better… one day it’ll be good.
Tonight I am going to play Diablo III in an attempt to catch up with Henry who is now 14 levels ahead of me. Also it’s a reward for my hard work and uberproductivity today! :)
All I could think as I woke up was what. the. fuck.
This weekend was another good one. The weather was near perfect the whole weekend. I got to be outside a lot and spent it with both my family and Jeremy's family.
More wedding work this week. We're booking the '61 Rolls Royce that'll drive us around for fun and I'm meeting with another wedding decorator in Buford at 4pm on Friday.
Man I have never felt as good about myself as I do when I haven’t spoken to my mom in so long. Phone conversations with her were just bad for me!
I’ve also noticed that the unhealthy conversations made me think of her way too much and way too negatively. This period of mental separation is WAY nice.
I have been helping an intern at work. She’s super eager and also very good at focusing and producing a good product. They’ve clearly been preparing her at her school for real life product development. This is a far cry from what I learned at Georgia Tech which was so much abstract stuff my mind could explode. I wish I had spent more time learning real applicable programming and software building stuffs.
Now I’m just full of creative energies and nowhere to put them.
It’s almost Friday. Which means it’s almost hang out with Jeremy time. I am happy by myself but he sure makes the day a little sweeter..
He’s the ecstasy to my rave. <3
Maybe Steve can do some of the sound stuff. We'll see.
I stayed home from work today. Between being unable to get out of bed and the massive headaches that are plaguing me now I wouldn't have been able to get anything done anyhow.
Anyway, we'll see what happens Monday. All I can think of is how empty the office was at 2pm after everyone had left for an early Friday. Bleh. At least Summer Hours is upon us! I get a half day every Friday until Labor Day weekend!
I spent the entire weekend at home. Good Lord it was amazing. Didn't do a single thing for the wedding, or insert myself into my family so my mom couldn't make snide remarks at me. It was so good. I spent time sleeping in my bed, my wonderful bed, and going to parks with Jeremy. We played some video games and just enjoyed being. It was pretty great. I feel rejuvenated. Really.
Suganth came over on Saturday night and we chilled. We had dinner and Jeremy taught him some sword moves. I also went over the objective C project he wants to start doing with Robby. I hope he musters up the drive to finish that project. I'll try and check on him periodically.
Today we're having brunch with a few friends in Roswell. After that, it's open to us.
One thing I love about Jeremy is that he doesn't have a crazy inner drive to do all sorts of stuff. He loves relaxing and just being too. He'll also fully support me when I'm in full gear for something. I like that.
I hope our lives settle. I am afraid that at the end of this ridiculously stupid wedding we will be in a solid amount of debt, he won't have found a new job and we'll be back to living our two separate lives like we do now. That will make it very difficult to pay off any debt we incur. I want to believe my mother when she says 'Just Trust God, he probably wants you to have a big wedding'!
I can't tell you how much like total bullshit that sounds to me. How can you do the exact thing that God has asked you not to do with the money given to you and believe that he's got your back on it? Is there some sort of worldly punishment awaiting us?
There are no instances in the Bible where God provides through a loan.
The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower becomes the lender’s slave.
The naive believes everything, but the sensible man considers his steps.
Divide your portion to seven, or even to eight, for you do not know what misfortune may occur on the earth.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I am completely unprepared for the worst and for that reason I am unable to hope for the best.
I hope it all works out because really, the frightening part is knowing that at the end I will stand alone and there will be nobody to really blame but myself for letting this happen.
I know I have a lot of blessings. I make a lot of money, I own property, I do so much most mid twenties women only dream about. This doesn't make it easier to do this thing with money knowing I am purposefully being a poor steward of it all.
God I am so sorry... but there's no turning back now. The contracts are signed and my life is headed in that direction.
I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my day.
Partly this is due to the fact that we have to almost manually keep track of everything we change. I had to keep a spreadsheet because our stupid source control doesn't allow us to branch out the code, make edits and then merge back in. How stupid is that?
I am really starting to wonder what it's like to work for a proper software company where I don't have to keep making administrative level mistakes because I'm a software engineer and not a stupid source control app. I swear. Once I'm married I want to go back to school and then find a good job at a good company where the work makes sense.
My mother doesn't want an explanation of how her mothering could have been improved. I guess I should just pretend the way she raised me was perfect and best for me in all scenarios. It's not even like I was taking into question her entire method of parenting me. Just some small bits that did not help me.
I expressed that I didn't like it when I was forced to do Orchestra in high school. I expressed how, looking back, it was an unbelievable waste of my time and how I looked at and longed to take the art classes offered. How I didn't enjoy orchestra but would have loved art.
I remember taking geometry and physical ed as a summer classes so I could take art. I had to lie about the need to take those classes in the summer. The art class was the most satisfying elective class I took in high school.
My mother didn't like that. She "apologized" for making me take orchestra for two more years than I wanted to and then told me to go raise my kids better than her.
Gee thanks for that apology, it was so sincere mom.
She must think the world of herself as a mother. I can never express any sort of criticism of her parenting without her being sarcastic or taking offense. This would make more sense if she didn't also love handing out criticism to me pretty much anytime I see her face.
Well the truth is I hated orchestra. I hated not being in the fun clubs. I hated having to hide the hell out of my relationship with Jeremy because she couldn't handle it. And her giving me relationship advice? Pff. That boat sailed a long time ago when you decided to make that very important part of my life none of your concern.
Oh well, it's not surprising. She always says she's my mother and not my friend. I guess I should start accepting that "not my friend" part because it makes everything I've never understood about her parenting make perfect sense.
You take your real self and your real problems to your friends. You don't take them to self proclaimed authority figures who've made it clear they're not looking to ever rescind their position of authority for close and honest relationship with you.
They'll always have the right to tell it to me like I have no sense, am inferior, inexperienced and going to 'learn my lesson'.
Once this wedding is over, I need to take some time off for myself, away from all the negative voices and re-center to the things that are important to me. I don't need to please everyone. I don't need to please anyone at the expense of my own needs.
And that's where I need to draw my line. So.. I guess I need to start drawing lines. And express my feelings.
My feelings are no less valuable than anyone else's. Sorry. Future MIL is not going to be at my dress fitting.
I don't want her there. I am okay with not having someone at such a personal event that I haven't connected with. It's important to me. What's important to me matters. She is a lovely lady, exuberant in her emotion. I don't know how to handle her. It's not her fault. I am not used to women like her.
And that's okay.
Goddamn it, everything else about this wedding day is for everybody fucking else.
I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF CERTAIN PEOPLE ACTING LIKE MY REQUIESTS AND WANTS ARE ALWAYS SELFISH AND SELF CENTERED.
YOU KNOW WHAT SCREW THAT.
I am tired of people trying to walk all over me. I am doing things my way. Fuck everything else.
I'm not a bridezilla but people have another thing coming if they think I'm just going to be a brideoormat.